“Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that’s not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing.”
Why it seems you shirk away my hands or whenever I tried to hold your arm?
And why it seems you don’t really care about me whenever you mention about her? Even when you saw the change on my face, you asked why but you didn’t pursue further. Guess I know why.
Though you know it pains me so much whenever you mention about her, it only left me to fend the pain myself.
Tomorrow is the day. I don’t know if I have the courage to face the fact if it happens between you two.
Haiz.
I don’t think you really care about me, that much anymore..
She HAS a boyfriend and you are chasing after her. Even if she breaks up with any guys, she can find a replacement easily. Compared to me..
You’re the first boyfriend I had. My first impression towards guys. My first taste on BGR. For 5 years.
Guess it will take me a long time to trust guys, and to fall into a relationship. Again.
I don’t have a visualisation into having a relationship, for now. Or probably, never at all.
Because I always believe in First Love.
And now, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.
What a disappointment when you said,
“When you’re with me, it felt as though we are just friends.”
Remember our first year together? We held hands even on the first day we met, we walked from Orchard to Plaza Singapura. Telling me that you enjoyed walking long distances. And I was happy to walk a long way with you.
I showed you my affection, my passion in a different way.. back then.
Held hands while walking. Hugged on the escalator, in the train. Kissed in the elevator.
Suddenly, we rarely held hands anymore. Well, once a while or so.
Because why? Our parents knew about us. They get scared if our relatives were to see us being so close outside. Probably would pester us to settle down. Back then, 2 years ago? We barely can fend for ourselves, what more saving up money yet.
You AGREED that we minimize the number of times we hold hands in public. We even have to discreetly hug each other.
I know you have forgotten about this matter. And now, you’re saying I don’t show you much affection and passion. Just like how she did. You compared me and her. That’s how you felt the REGAIN of passion and affection from her, that we once slowly losing between us.
Accuse me. Blame me for making you lose all the affection and passion.
Money is a taboo subject. Can we stop talking about money? At that point, we were trying to save up money to get MARRIED. Because why, we were COMMITTED with each other already. We were thinking of settling down already. Can we not even talk about money? I did not even control your expenditures, I’m not much of a very controlling person. Neither bossy to you.
I did not even stop you from getting your Macbook Pro. I only advised you to think carefully about getting it. I did not stop you from making friends with anybody. Even with ladies. Because why? I trusted you. I trusted you that you will not abuse the trust, I trusted you that you love me so much, you will not betray that trust and the promise.
Silently, behind my back, you had feelings for her.
And when that happened, I was blamed for the lost of affection, passion, money issue, I hit your ceiling. Because of me, you have been bottling your problems for 2 years? And with the things I bought for you, I made you feel small? That was NEVER my intention AT ALL!
Is it fair?
We have been talking about marriage, settling down, our own family visions, having kids. Now I tell you.. If I have been bottling up my problems/feelings for 2 years with you, I wouldn’t even want to talk about settling down with you.
Your words and action didn’t tally. You set me into thinking. With all the pain, the memories we had together..
You’re busy thinking about her and those memories that you two had for a short duration.
She touched your vest at the museum. The date at the museum. Esplanade library? Starbucks?
When you tell me all these, I may look like I have nothing on my face. Or at the very least, I showed a fake smile.
Deep down, all wrecked by your memories.
Whenever you’re not with me, I totally miss you like crazy. And when I get to see you, I was very happy, until to the point you mentioned about her.
I’m tired of thinking of why you didn’t really care about me, much.
Guess, you’re ready to move on. That if this Monday, she accepts you. Though she already HAS a BF.
You know I’m waiting for you.
Waiting, in pain and with fear. Of losing you.
It’s all or nothing…
