Child’s play

So What if

1. I’m short?
2. I have a chocolate-chip cookie face? I have moley-face.
3. I am not fair-skinned? I have dirty-looking and tanned skin.
4. I don’t have nice, melodious voice? Because mine is husky,rocker’s voice..
5. I don’t have nice and smooth,kept hair? Because mine is dry, shoulder-length, unkept hair.
6. I don’t know how to dress up? Because now I’m learning how to dress up but still not to your liking.
7. I don’t know how to flirt with you? Because I’m boring.
8. Bla bla bla

You know what.. I’m sick and tired of defaming myself, bringing down my self-esteem. This is me! I’m loving myself.

Maybe…

I’m just a fool to think that he will come back to me.

How to when SHE is regarded as the SOMEONE SPECIAL as his experiences.

And reading from the long text messages, maybe I’m just a nobody, probably not more than just a friend.

And our history?

Maybe forgotten.

Maybe he lost it.

And maybe, I’m just being a fool. Waiting for him. Being there for him just as when he needs me?

No. Maybe he don’t need me anymore.

:.(

And maybe, I’m wrong about him.

Just give him time and space..

“Two things scare me. The first is getting hurt. But that’s not nearly as scary as the second, which is losing.”

Why it seems you shirk away my hands or whenever I tried to hold your arm?

And why it seems you don’t really care about me whenever you mention about her? Even when you saw the change on my face, you asked why but you didn’t pursue further. Guess I know why.

Though you know it pains me so much whenever you mention about her, it only left me to fend the pain myself.

Tomorrow is the day. I don’t know if I have the courage to face the fact if it happens between you two.

Haiz.

I don’t think you really care about me, that much anymore..

She HAS a boyfriend and you are chasing after her. Even if she breaks up with any guys, she can find a replacement easily. Compared to me..

You’re the first boyfriend I had. My first impression towards guys. My first taste on BGR. For 5 years.

Guess it will take me a long time to trust guys, and to fall into a relationship. Again.

I don’t have a visualisation into having a relationship, for now. Or probably, never at all.

Because I always believe in First Love.

And now, I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

What a disappointment when you said,

“When you’re with me, it felt as though we are just friends.”

Remember our first year together? We held hands even on the first day we met, we walked from Orchard to Plaza Singapura. Telling me that you enjoyed walking long distances. And I was happy to walk a long way with you.

I showed you my affection, my passion in a different way.. back then.

Held hands while walking. Hugged on the escalator, in the train. Kissed in the elevator.

Suddenly, we rarely held hands anymore. Well, once a while or so.

Because why? Our parents knew about us. They get scared if our relatives were to see us being so close outside. Probably would pester us to settle down. Back then, 2 years ago? We barely can fend for ourselves, what more saving up money yet.

You AGREED that we minimize the number of times we hold hands in public. We even have to discreetly hug each other.

I know you have forgotten about this matter. And now, you’re saying I don’t show you much affection and passion. Just like how she did. You compared me and her. That’s how you felt the REGAIN of passion and affection from her, that we once slowly losing between us.

Accuse me. Blame me for making you lose all the affection and passion.

Money is a taboo subject. Can we stop talking about money? At that point, we were trying to save up money to get MARRIED. Because why, we were COMMITTED with each other already. We were thinking of settling down already. Can we not even talk about money? I did not even control your expenditures, I’m not much of a very controlling person. Neither bossy to you.

I did not even stop you from getting your Macbook Pro. I only advised you to think carefully about getting it. I did not stop you from making friends with anybody. Even with ladies. Because why? I trusted you. I trusted you that you will not abuse the trust, I trusted you that you love me so much, you will not betray that trust and the promise.

Silently, behind my back, you had feelings for her.

And when that happened, I was blamed for the lost of affection, passion, money issue, I hit your ceiling. Because of me, you have been bottling your problems for 2 years? And with the things I bought for you, I made you feel small? That was NEVER my intention AT ALL!

Is it fair?

We have been talking about marriage, settling down, our own family visions, having kids. Now I tell you.. If I have been bottling up my problems/feelings for 2 years with you, I wouldn’t even want to talk about settling down with you.

Your words and action didn’t tally. You set me into thinking. With all the pain, the memories we had together..

You’re busy thinking about her and those memories that you two had for a short duration.

She touched your vest at the museum. The date at the museum. Esplanade library? Starbucks?

When you tell me all these, I may look like I have nothing on my face. Or at the very least, I showed a fake smile.

Deep down, all wrecked by your memories.

Whenever you’re not with me, I totally miss you like crazy. And when I get to see you, I was very happy, until to the point you mentioned about her.

I’m tired of thinking of why you didn’t really care about me, much.

Guess, you’re ready to move on. That if this Monday, she accepts you. Though she already HAS a BF.

You know I’m waiting for you.

Waiting, in pain and with fear. Of losing you.

It’s all or nothing…

If I could explain love in one word, it would have to be trust. 
Trust that he doesn’t cheat on you, trust that he doesn’t lie to
 you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be
 there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high 
or drunk, trust that you don’t have to worry about him breaking 
up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up 
for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another girl,
 trust that he won’t just get sick of you, and trust that he
 wants you like you want him.

My appetite has gone worst.

I can’t help it, seriously.

I tried to force myself to eat..

But I have that nausea whenever I eat.

Now my weight is wavering between 39kg and 40kg.

I’m losing it.

Been having chest pains.

Splitting headaches.

Back pains.

Lose myself…

The year 2009

Too painful for me….

:.(

The pain..

The non-stop crying..

The memories keep coming back to me..

It’s painful..

I want him back..

But,

I’m not sure if he is thinking the same way too..

:.(

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.“

Infatuation the other hand is quite selfish. I think it is more about what you can get out of the other person, and makes YOU feel good rather than the other person. Its purpose is to “take” whereas love’s purpose is to “give”.

OBSESSION is when you feel that you have to spend every waking hour with the person, feelings of extreme/unrealistic/unfounded jealousy towards them, or feelings of their extreme grandeur that puts them on such a high pedestal.

LOVE is when you genuinely care for someone to the point that you’d do anything for them (including die), you think of having their babies (or giving them some), getting married, giving things up, making them happy, etc.

Love is something to feel, and to receive. Nothing like it.

Some people call it unrequited love, but its not real love until he gives it back. You may be in love or in lust or whatever…but he’s gotta love you back for it to be love. Unfortunately, it takes more than a couple of looks. Crushes tend to be very strong and have you feeling very deeply, while love runs deep and takes a lot of time to develop.

What could be the things I love about him?

His touch. His embrace. His concerns and care. His romance.

I think it’s the things I can’t really define exactly why am I in love with him. It takes me years to learn about him, love him and cherish him.

And I know, it’s not infatuation neither lust.

Love is when I need him. And I want him. Obsession no?

It takes a long time to love somebody. True?

It’s not days, not weeks.

Infatuation

** Sees the other person as perfect

** Wants to get own needs met; selfish

** Spends all time with the other person

** Quickly “falls” for the other person

** Other relationships and friendships deteriorate

** Dependence on the other person causes Jealousy frequently

** Lasts for a short period of time

** Distance strains and often puts an end to the relationship

** Quarrels are serious and common

** Quarrels can seriously damage the relationship

Love

** Sees the other person’s flaws and still loves them

** Wants to serve the other person; selfless

** Still spends time with others

** Takes time to build the relationship

** Other relationships and friendships grow stronger

** Trust and understanding results in less severe and less frequent jealousy

** Encompasses a long-term commitment

** Survives and sometimes is strengthened because of distance

** Quarrels are less serious and less often

** Quarrels can strengthen the relationship

Love is what I strongly feel for in this relationship. Something that makes me hold on to it, tight.. and never let it go.

The one who lend a shoulder to cry on and listening ears to your daily whinnings and complaints.

The one who shares your life with throughout your entire life and keeps your accompany no matter how bad the situation can be.

The one who takes extremely good care of you when you’re sick, in danger.

The one who knows the best about you.

The one who kisses and hugs you all the time to show her love to you.

The one who argues and annoys you but in the end, she’s the only one that you needed the most.

The one who keeps you entertained be it, her adorable personality or lame jokes.

The one who’s willing to sacrifice her life for her other half.

[adapted from a blogger] Pretty meaningful for me.

Last night

When You and me were together

You asked

“Will you be my wife?”

I said “I do”

I thought I was so blessed when you popped that question.

I love you.

And you said, “I love you too..”

It was quite some time since I last heard that from you.

And I was in cloud 9.

But later..

You start to think again..

Why are you in that kind of situation?

You said when you talked about her, it turned everybody off.

Later then you said,

it’s no longer about her.

But now, it’s about us.

You love me, you yearn for me..

But when you are with me, you felt nothing?

Or I heard wrongly?

It breaks my heart hearing that from you.

And I deeply know that yours too.

We could have lost our emotions that we had together over the few weeks.

Even before you met her. I don’t know.

But, why talk about marriage if we are not emotionally-attached?

I’m just puzzled. We could be in the midst of saving up money for

our marriage.

Tell me if you want me out of your life? I think that sounds absurd!

Because, I don’t want you out of my life either. Just impossible.

But, being just your friend, honestly, it sounds strange,hard to accept.

If you ask me, I already take you as my soul partner. Harder to accept that fact?

I made a tattoo. I inked your name in my heart.

Now, it’s impossible to remove it.

Every heartbeats, it says your name.

Every second, I think of you.

Every morning when I wake up, the first person I think of is You.

Every night before I fall asleep, the last person I think of is You.

Honestly,

I always yearn for you. I want to be standing next to you.

I want to be holding your hands.

I want to be hugging you, tight and never let you go.

I want to look at you in your eyes, and say, “I love you, deeply..”

But now,

on top of all that I wish I can do now,

I don’t want to be labelled as “perempuan terhegeh-hegeh”

Why is it that when I stand next to you,

my heart thumps harder, wish for you to be so close to me..

and I think,

Why can’t I have you yet?

Till now, your smell lingers around me..

Your touch, your voice..I can feel it.

Tell me, how should I get rid of whatever I feel about you now?

Almost five years of knowing you.

For loving you each and everyday.

For remembering you each and everyday.

For yearning, caring you each and everyday.

For sacrificing part of my life each and everyday.

Tell me how?

When you’re not around, I look at faces,

hoping to see you..

Tell me how?

That special night, which was yesterday..

One of the best nights so far, that I had with you.

And I will always remember.

It’s painful, you see..

I have been holding on to that little hope,

I held tight deep in my heart.

A small whisper, I heard..

Keep telling me to hold on..hold on..

Not to give up..Be patient.

Beating against the odds,again..

Am I fighting a losing battle?

It’s painful, you see..

Who is there, to give me strength, hope

and motivation to hold on to it?

God.

I have faith in what I believe so much..

I believe in something I feel so strongly about..

And I know, you too..

But, swayed by temptations..

On something you thought you never had before..

Who is there to understand how I really feel?

What I cherish so much? Why is this happening?

Is this fair?

Pain..

This pain that I’m having now

Worst of all times..

What is next for me?

I don’t know..seriously.

I hate crying. I want to be strong.

But my pillar of strength, now gone.

It’s not the same anymore..

I feel the pain.

Every morning. Every night.

I know, I know…

You feel the same way too..

Bitter sweet memories, keep playing in my mind..

All the time.

Tell me, how to move on?

Saying is easy.

Doing it is difficult.

I can smile, but a fake one.

Deep within,

All I feel is pain.

But on top of what I also feel.

Love.